Fear has a free ride in most of our lives. It probably calls the shots without you realizing it. I’ve realised that fear is definitely seated at my table – it talks very loudly, telling me 1000 things can go wrong at any minute. It has friends like self-sabotage and impostor syndrome that make it look very different from what it really is.
I have learned over the years to manage my fear and I’ll explain how below. But, first a word about the triggers.
This past weekend we took our kids to a ziplining event. There is nothing like walking on a shaky ladder 26 ft above the ground to start off my triggers. Meanwhile, the kids were so relaxed, turning around midair to chat, while I can’t wait for this to be over so I get back to safety. To me, my fear was kicking in big time telling me I was in danger, I was unsafe and the only way to safety was to return to the ground. To the kids, they were very safe in the air. So safe, that this was fun.
Watching my kids sheer joy as we climbed higher (while I was starting to dread this) we had opposite emotions of what should have been a fun adventure and bonding moment. That is when I realized in all sadness that
THIS is exactly what fear does!!!
It takes over completely, robbing you of another fun experience. Fear is powerful and deeply personal. Your own personal hell to torture you. It could be something you have named as ‘fear’ or something you feel and know terrifies you. Such as speaking in front of a large audience, scheduling a meeting to ask for a raise, meeting an employee for their review, dealing with conflict, letting your customers know you will be raising prices all of these and more can make you feel incredibly fearful.
Should I just ignore my fear and hope it goes away?
Nope. Fear needs to be reckoned with because
fear dominates our ability to take action.If you let it, fear can and WILL speak for you.
It will determine your choices. And you probably won’t like what it chooses for you.
Here are some of the ways fear holds you back in being a good leader or in running your business:
Fear might show up as impostor syndrome and tell you, ‘you are not brave or good enough to or smart enough or whatever enough to be a good leader. Or who are you to start that business, you don’t have the experience’ It might also say ‘You must be afraid because you are not resilient enough to withstand the challenges.
If you let it, fear will tell you you are not worthy of the love you receive. Fear is so powerful, it determines who we love & how we show up for them. Most of us believe fear is something we just have and we must deal with it. Suffer through it. Dread it. Sweat through the panic till it goes away or give up on the thing you are afraid of.
While it is true your fear is here, now,
how you work with fear determines your resilience.
And your ability to have the fun things you deserve now and always. The wonderful moments you would have if you weren’t afraid. The opportunities you would say YES to if you were not afraid of failure, what other people think, of becoming hugely successful or losing it all. Fear takes those choices from you and keeps you small, if you let it.
At a recent workshop with the incredible author Liz Gilbert we did an exercise where we gave our fear 5 minutes to speak to us. For FEAR to tell us what it was afraid of. We listened without judgement. Then we let it walk away.
Try that.
I let fear have its seat at the table. Let it have and this part is super important- a *time bound* moment of glory. 5 minutes. Tops. I listen without arguing. Then I use a technique from Martha Beck’s book, The Way of Integrity. I ask myself if what I heard is true. Is it true? Often it is not.
And then I move on.
Fear doesn’t get to decide your fun future.
Or the business you chose to start. Or the leader you want to be. Or the times when you will speak up.
Or how much more you will ask for yourself.
Fear doesn’t get to chose any of those.
You do. #feelthefearanddoitanyway